Rabbi Y. David Weitman responds In Judaism, divorce is God's way of expressing His understanding. Is there divorce in Judaism? What to do when a couple does not live in peace and decides to separate?
In this case, there is, within Judaism, the possibility of divorce. And this procedure is called guerushin, "separation", or simply guet, which is the name of the divorce document.
Divorce is one of the positive precepts of the Torah. In case of separation, the husband must write a sefer-critut (a document of separation) between him and his wife, as stated in the Torah, in the book Deuteronomy, XXIV.
However, a question arises here: we know that G-d wants us married. And that according to Judaism, marriage is sacred, that each person must marry and that G-d has reserved for each person their chosen one, their soulmate. Therefore, if there is a mitzvah of getting married, how can there also be a mitzvah of getting divorced? But the answer is simple. G-d wants the person to stay married and has arranged everything for this to happen. After all, your soulmate has already been prepared since the beginning of Creation...
But it also happens that G-d is compassionate, considerate, and kind. When he realizes that things are not working, that there is suffering, that the couple cannot move forward with their marriage in any way, He then gives guidance that can be followed: separation, divorce. It's like a recipe book: if you get the recipe right, well done. Were you mistaken? Then there are other dishes in which the ingredients can be used.
In other words, in Judaism, divorce is a way for G‑d to manifest His understanding. He realizes that the situation is difficult, people are suffering and the relationship cannot continue. In this case, He says: "If you want to separate and insist on it, the possibility exists."
Does this mean the marriage was a mistake?
No. The marriage was not and is not a mistake. And it's not even a
lottery, in which you bet and sometimes you win, other times you lose. No. If you married someone with chuppah and kiddushin - under the canopy of the chuppah and with Divine blessings, without a doubt this someone was your soulmate, chosen almost 6.000 years ago and whom you had to marry. Saying that the marriage was a mistake is like saying that the woman gave birth to the wrong child, and there is no way in hell that a woman could give birth to the wrong child.
G-d does not play with people's minds, hearts and, even less, with people's souls. Just, as we highlighted, this marriage, this relationship, really had to occur. If the couple had children, these children needed to be born. The fact is that, in the Divine plan, G-d would like the person to remain married; when a separation occurs, says the Talmud, the altar itself weeps. But if the person insists and is suffering, He understands. He allows divorce and even gives the recipe for how the separation should be done, according to Judaism. G‑d tells the person that they can close the door, but He also teaches them how to close it gently without slamming it.
So do rabbis make divorces easier?
Not necessarily. The rabbi's obligation is to strive
to make peace between the couple. When they come to the rabbi with the intention of separating, he will try to reestablish the old harmony. If you are unable to do so, even after several attempts, the solution to the case may be divorce.
We know that many years ago there was a takaná (decree) in the German communities of Spayer, Worms and Maintz. When a resident wanted to separate from his wife, he had to send an emissary to the other two cities in order to display the documents and arguments involved in the dispute. And this procedure, obviously, caused a lot of expense. But the reason for this takaná was precisely to make divorce more difficult. It was established to show the couple that it wasn't that easy. Also to save time; In the meantime, it could happen that they return to live and live together in peace.
There really are cases where the Beit Din, the rabbinical court competent to carry out divorces, can expedite them. In clear cases of infidelity, for example. Or when the husband wants to change country or has to go to war (so as not to leave his wife "condemned" to marriage - in the situation of aguná, as we will see later), or when one of the two does not behave accordingly, missing with due respect. Halacha mentions, for example, a husband who repeatedly throws his wife out of the house and who is constantly angry, out of control, and so on.
There are cases in which, without a doubt, divorce will be recommended and even hastened by the rabbis. Because the Torah does not recommend, in any way, that the couple continue to live together, if they are already seriously thinking about separation. This would not be healthy.
Is it true that a couple is allowed to separate without the wife's consent?
This is not allowed. It's simply impossible.
There is a takanah from Rabbi Guershon, Meor HaGolá, from the XNUMXth century, who prohibited a husband from divorcing his wife without obtaining her consent. In other words, there must be approval from both parties, in good conscience, to request or accept a divorce. Therefore, the Law clearly says that if the wife has become mentally disturbed, G-d forbid, and no longer has the intellectual conditions to accept a divorce, the husband cannot divorce her and will be in a "captive" situation. , bound by marriage until she is healthy and conscious again. Or vice versa. (There are possibly other halachic solutions to this situation, only implemented after consultation with the competent authority.)
In fact, today it is not possible to get a divorce (from a husband or wife) without the consent of the other party. For this reason we have, in Israel and also in the USA, associations of wives revolting against husbands who do not grant them a divorce. They are heartbroken women who cannot rebuild their lives. Likewise, there are associations of husbands whose wives do not want to accept a divorce. Such husbands have their hands tied and are unable to rebuild their lives. Unfortunately, these are the tragedies of unsuccessful marriages, in which the couple is always in litigation, obviously harming their children.
What happens when a couple separates without making a religious divorce?
As long as there is no guet, it is completely forbidden for the husband and wife to enter into another marriage, since, according to Jewish law, they still remain married and united before G-d.
A woman who does not have a guet and unites herself with another man will be committing adultery. This act could cause problems regarding the future marriages of children that may arise from this union. The same applies to women who have an invalid divorce.
Therefore, it is extremely important that those inevitable separations, G-d forbid, are done correctly and precisely so that both can rebuild their lives without major trauma and complications.
What is the situation of a divorced woman?
Once divorced, the woman must wait 90 days before
to contract another marriage so that, in the event of pregnancy, it is possible to recognize the father of the child, whether the ex-husband or the current one.
According to Torah law, a divorced woman is prohibited from marrying a Cohen, a priest.
If she did not get married again, and therefore there was no other chuppah and kiddushin, she can remarry her first husband; this is called "machzir grushatô". Such a marriage must be celebrated normally, with the seven blessings. This will all be valid only if this ex-husband is not a Cohen.
What is the Halacha position on child custody, compensation, etc.?
The ketubah (marriage contract) provides for the possibility
of divorce. It contains an amount that the husband gives to his wife as compensation, in the event of separation.
Custody of the children, if they are children, will, in most cases, be the wife's, as she is the one who takes care of their education. Judaism, as always, takes human nature into account.
Exceptions may occur. Normally compensation and pension payments are handled by civil law and not religious law. Even so, there are provisions in the Shulchan Aruch regarding this.
What does guet mean?
According to Torah law, it would be enough for the husband to write a separation document for his wife, establishing that she becomes free before another man. The wise men, however, seeing the countless doubts and suspicions that would arise from such a procedure, also forced the inclusion of the date, place, signatures of witnesses and the names of the husband and wife in the document.
The preparation of the guet is full of details: the ink, the parchment, the use of a bird feather or bamboo stalk; the sofer (scribe) specialized and with the express intention of writing it for that husband and that wife, etc. There are several details and, of course, not everyone knows them.
This document is called guet because the numerical value of this term is equivalent to 12, the total number of lines it contains. Another explanation is that throughout the Tanach (Jewish Bible) it is not possible to find the letters gimel and taf together, next to each other, indicating that guet is really a separation between united people.
Who is entitled to do guet?
Making a guet involves many details: knowing the correct names of the parties, because if they are incorrect the entire guet is invalidated; including nicknames; the sofer and the witnesses must hear from the husband that he wants to give the guet; the guet must be handed over to the wife in the presence of suitable witnesses, and so on.
For this reason, only a qualified rabbi, who has semi-chah and experience, can officiate in a guet.
Marriage, on the other hand, is something simpler, although nowadays a qualified rabbi is needed to officiate it. With divorce, however, it is enough for it to be done by someone who does not know its laws for the risk of harmful consequences for the couple to arise.
For all this, only competent and authorized rabbis can deal with the guet. It is necessary to have a Beit Din, a rabbinic court, who knows how to make a guet, especially nowadays (when sometimes a shaliach (emissary) is used to deliver or receive the guet). Jewish divorce requires extensive Talmudic and halachic knowledge. In fact, after the completion of the guet, this document is not given to the couple; only one authorization is granted, allowing them to remarry. The guet itself is torn up and filed with the beit din so that there is no defamation that said guet was written in error.
What is an aguná?
Aguná is a woman whose husband disappeared. She is not a widow, as there are no witnesses that he died, nor is she divorced, as she did not receive the guet. For this reason, she will not be able to marry anyone. Aguná is "trapped" and, in fact, it is a disastrous situation.
After the Holocaust, there were many, many cases of agunót, women who escaped the war and did not know whether or not their husbands had died. In cases where there is strong evidence that the husband died, Halacha is more lenient in receiving testimony about it. It is good to remember that great efforts were made by wise Jews, in all generations, to resolve these impasses. Also in ours, with regard to those missing in the current wars in Israel.
What is a pileguesh?
The translation of pileguesh is "concubine". This is a woman who is not completely "the housewife".
According to the comments, she is a woman, she is a wife, but without ketubah, without the rights that come from it. Maimonides clearly says that only Jewish kings, such as Kings David and Solomon, could have concubines. The other Jews, simple subjects, do not have this right; This is totally forbidden to them. It is good to remember at this point that man and woman must respect marriage, which is a sacred union before G-d. It is a completely monogamous institution, in which extramarital affairs are prohibited for both spouses.
What does divorce teach us?
We observe how much compassion and consideration G‑d has for the person who suffers within the husband/wife relationship. There are so many laws and so many details to obtain a divorce! When we learn and apply all of this in our own marriages, we will certainly be more tolerant towards our spouse. Did you make a mistake? Forgive as many times as necessary! Forget, recognize, respect and understand. If we apply the same feelings of compassion and consideration to our relationships that G-d has for us, we will have better and more harmonious marriages. We can say, in short, that G‑d is teaching us how to stay happily married.
