Marriage is the basis of human existence. It’s what allows us to start a family and find joy and fulfillment in life. It is something of profound value, worth fighting for.
Marriage is one of the foundations of Judaism. The first commandment of the Torah says that a man and a woman must marry and start a family – to “grow and multiply”. All human beings long for love – they want to love and be loved – and dream of finding their “better half” and living “happily ever after”. However, we live in a time in which many marriages do not work out, in which divorce rates are very high and many people may remain married without being happy.
When a Jewish couple gets married, they receive seven blessings – the Sheva Berachot - under the ChupAh, the bridal canopy. One of these is that your union be “binyan adei ad” – an eternal construction. How can a marriage be eternal? After all, human beings are very volatile. Furthermore, how can we ensure that joy and happiness are present in a couple's life when we know that happiness is what we seek for ourselves, not for others? Is a happy union realistic then?
The mere fact that people ask this question denotes a certain lack of faith in the future of a union. People should not ask “if”, but “how”. The question should not be “whether the marriage will be happy”, but “how to make the marriage work and be a happy union”. When something is truly important to us, we don't consider possibilities of failure or that the battle is lost. When something is truly meaningful to us, we find the means to make sure it works.
It is clear that we all have doubts: are we marrying the right person? What will our life be like?
The answer to questions of this type should be: we can and will overcome any and all obstacles. Skepticism and feelings of insecurity stem from an evil inclination that resides within all of us and that wants to defeat and dissuade us from making the right choices in life. The first step to having a happy and eternal marriage, therefore, is not to listen to him.
What is love
One of the secrets of a happy marriage is a mature understanding of what love is. We need to learn to instill in ourselves the notion that love, happiness, pleasure and pain are feelings that cannot be separated. He who believes that love is only pleasure and cannot bear pain is someone who does not know what it is like to suffer and share the pain and problems of others.
There are few truly valuable things in life that are obtained without effort, sacrifice or even suffering. In many cases, happiness and joy are achieved through pain. For example, a woman endures discomfort and pain when giving birth.
And after the birth of the child, parents strive to give the best to their child. They share the child's joys, but they also feel their pains.
The same should apply in the relationship between spouses; they should love each other and share each other's moments of joy and pain, as they do with their children. Healthy parents never purposely hurt their children. The same is true for healthy couples: the joy of one should be the joy of the other and the suffering of one should be the suffering of the other. The story is told of a rabbi who took his wife to the doctor because she felt pain in her legs. When he saw the doctor, he said: “Doctor, we have pain in our legs.” For that man, the woman and he were one person, so they both had pain in their legs.
But a happy marriage is obviously not defined by shared pain, but by shared joy. A Megillat Esther, which tells us the story of Purim, reports that after triumphing over Haman, the Jews experienced “light, happiness, joy and glory”. “Light” and “happiness” are two intertwined concepts that are paramount to what we seek in marriage. Simply put, light and happiness are the way to achieve a lasting union. So, what is light? When entering a dark room and turning on the light, the room appears completely different, however, the light did not change the objects that were there. The difference between a place with and without light is that when there is light, we can appreciate the beauty, but also see the dangers. We know where to go and where we shouldn't go.
And, why is happiness compared to light? Because the Megillat Esther juxtapose the two concepts? Because, similar to light, joy helps us see things as they should be seen. True joy is seeing with the eyes of the heart. When someone feels joy, they can find endless reasons to be happy. But someone who lives without joy is someone who lives in the dark, without seeing anything or anyone. The greatest miracle could unfold before your eyes and the person would not notice it. One of the secrets of a successful marriage is happiness – the ability to see from the heart, to appreciate each other and the many blessings that life gives us.
And what is love? Philosophers, writers, poets – they all try to define it. Love is the union of these two elements – light and happiness. When we truly love someone, we love seeing that person. The Torah tells us that our patriarch, Jacob, worked seven years to be able to marry his beloved, Rachel, saying that these years “seemed like a few days to him, such was his love for her”. What the Torah teaches us is that his love for her was so great that it was enough for him just to see her. The simple fact that Rachel existed was reason enough for our patriarch to feel happy. Therefore, whatever sacrifice he needed to make to live near her, see her, and one day marry her, Jacob would gladly make.
True happiness, therefore, is the ability to see things in a positive light. It is ignoring – or at least minimizing – what is temporary and unimportant, and focusing on what is real and eternal. In a marriage, a couple should not focus on what is transitory and which, over time, will cease to exist or be transformed, but rather on what will last: the values of companionship and sincere love, the construction of a family, the constitution of future generations.
Of course, there are those who deceive themselves, believing that it is easier to live alone. Those who live alone don't need to give their time to others, worry about them or put up with their problems. But living alone also means living a life devoid of what we value most: love, companionship, true happiness and intimacy. He who gets married but thinks only of himself cannot have a happy marriage. For marriage represents commitment – a commitment to life – to the past, present and future. For a marriage to work, a husband and wife need to want to give of themselves to the other and give up things for the benefit of the other. If one of the spouses gives and sacrifices, and the other just receives without giving anything in return, the union will not last, and even if it does last, it will not be happy or a true partnership.
Unlike other religions, Judaism allows divorce. In the past, there were couples who divorced because, for one reason or another, life as a couple was impossible: it was better to live separately than in a situation of hostility. But today, couples divorce for the most trivial reasons – and the root of many of these divorces is the reluctance to sacrifice even the slightest bit of their comfort and desires. The motto of these people is that, in life, the most important thing is to be happy – now and always. And if someone – even our spouse – makes our life a little less happy, it is better to break up the marriage. Of course, many people get divorced because they have to. But it is also fair to say that, today, few are willing to make the smallest sacrifice – that is, to change their lives a little to accommodate someone else. Everyone is in search of their own happiness. But what is true happiness? It is not an object that you can find on the street or buy in a store. It is something we introduce into our lives and into our homes.
It is clear that what we have at home did not arise by itself – it was introduced there by someone. If a person wants to find happiness and peace in his home, he must introduce it. This feeling doesn't come alone. Likewise, if someone thinks that their home is marked by fights and unhappiness, it is because someone introduced them there. Home should be a haven of joy, peace and happiness, not a place of conflict and worry. Everyone wants to go home and find peace and joy there; but this requires a certain proactivity. When someone arrives at home and sees that there is no peace there, it is up to them to be the agent of change.
People ask: Isn't our home a place where we are free to do whatever we want? Express our frustrations, anger and sadness if we want? Well, it isn't. The home should be like the Garden of Eden – a refuge, a safe haven, where only harmony, peace and love prevail. If we want to discuss problems, it is better to do so outside the home, away from our children. If a couple wants to have a happy home, they should not bring anything negative or destructive into it. Otherwise, this family will not feel welcome in their own home, in their own refuge. Even the workplace will seem more cozy to them. And this is extremely harmful for any union.
One of the most important commandments of the Torah is the placing of the mezuzah on the doorposts of the house. In addition to being a source of protection, it is a symbol that the home of each of us is a small temple and, therefore, we should not allow anything that is not suitable for a sanctuary into it.
Jewish definition of love
Love, according to Judaism, is measured by what we want to do for another person – how available we are, how much of ourselves we are willing to give and sacrifice. Marriage means making space within yourself to let the other person in. But when a person loves himself too much – when he wants to be only with himself – he cannot expect his marriage to work. It is love that makes room for others to be part of our lives. True love is not selfish; on the contrary, it manifests itself when a person forgets themselves – forgets what they want or what bothers them – and thinks about others.
But this also means that love can be dangerous and destructive. As it is a very dominant emotion, many take advantage of those who love them, manipulating them for their selfish purposes.
In a happy marriage, there cannot be a situation where one exploits the love and generosity of the other. There must be reciprocity, and what's more, it is necessary to love the other at least as much as the person loves themselves. O Rebbe of Lubavitch taught that love means not being able to live without your loved one. It's one soul completing another. In fact, it is the same soul in two different bodies that unite under the chuppah.
According to Jewish mysticism, the first human being was initially created half male and half female. This means that a man is not complete without a woman, nor is she complete without the man. Human beings seek love and marriage, we don't feel whole when alone. It is our spouse who completes the Divine image that resides within us.
Getting married means uniting with our half that resides in a different body. Marriage is the reconnection of two parties into a whole, and as such, it is the cure for many wounds. In Hebrew, the word for man is “Is H”, which contains the letter And you; and the word woman, “Isha”, contains the letter Hey. Both form one of the Names of G-d. This teaches us that when a man and a woman live together in love and harmony and respect, G‑d dwells in their midst.
Do we live or do we exist?
We, as adults, can choose how to live our lives. There is a verse in the fifth book of the Torah in which G‑d tells us that He is placing two paths before us – life and the opposite of life – and He commands us to choose life. Our Sages ask: what kind of choice is this? Who would choose the opposite of life? And they respond that, in fact, many people choose not to live – they choose to simply exist.
O Talmud teaches that he who is evil, even while still on Earth, is called dead, while the righteous, even after leaving this world, is called alive. O Talmud explains that true life is not measured by how long we spend on Earth, but by the positive impact we make. A righteous person leaves an immeasurable and eternal impact, even after they are no longer among us. Those who choose life are those who infuse positive energy into others. Those who choose the opposite of life are those who drain the energy of others. They don't impact people in a positive way, they don't generate energy. They live only for themselves, generally leading a selfish and arrogant life and become a burden to those around them. They don't share anything with anyone and, as they only care about themselves, no one else matters to them unless they can take some advantage. There are many who live like this, but in reality they are not really living, they just exist.
To truly live means to reduce matter and generate energy. It means making space for the “other”. It means not caring so much about yourself, but about the well-being of others. Love stories often end with the words: “And they lived happily ever after.” It is important to note the words: they are said to “live”, not that they “existed” happily ever after.
To be happy, a person needs to be alive and, to be alive, they cannot only worry about themselves. When the Torah describes marriage as a union between a man and a woman who become one flesh, it is telling us the secret of a happy marriage: only when a man and a woman truly become one can they live happily ever after.
Kabbalah teaches that marriage is the fusion of two souls. This poetic vision of two souls coming together and merging under the chuppah It is, without a doubt, an inspiration. But it is important to note that it is easier to merge two souls than two bodies, as human beings are, by nature, selfish. Each person has their needs, their desires, their preferences and their dislikes. Living with someone – not in an imaginary world, but in the real world – usually requires some sacrifice. In general, we have to do things we don't want to do and abandon things we like to do. We need to put our ego aside – and this, for many, is the hardest thing to do. O Tzemach Tzedek, the third Lubavitcher Rebbe, taught: “Children are happy and adults are unhappy, because children prefer to be happy than to be right, while adults prefer to be right to be happy.” This is why many couples lack peace and happiness, as each spouse wants to be right all the time.
It is worth listening to the advice of the famous American rabbi and psychiatrist, Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski: “If you are right all the time and your spouse is wrong all the time, it means you are married to a loser. And who wants to be married to a loser?”
Intimacy and limits
How to live really happy? When we build an attractive life, we all want to participate in it. When a home overflows not only with happiness, but with joy and enthusiasm, all obstacles can be overcome. But even the happiest relationships need limits so they can last.
One of the fundamental concepts of Kabbalah refers to the Sefirot, which are Divine energies used to create the world and which continue to sustain it. The human soul is also composed of these Divine emanations. There are three that are Sefirot intellectual and seven that are emotional. The first two emotional ones are Chessed e Gevurah – which are loosely translated as kindness and severity. Mystics teach that every healthy relationship needs these two opposing forces. There can be no kindness without discipline, no discipline without kindness.
When these concepts are applied to marriage, it means that love needs to be restricted. Despite the union, there must be limits between husband and wife, otherwise the respectful relationship will not develop or last. True intimacy doesn't just mean knowing how to love, but also respecting. If there is a lot of love and little respect, the marriage will fail. This is valid for any relationship: between parents and children, teachers and students, between man and G-d.
Another concept that is central to any relationship, especially marriage, is the difference between rights and duties. The expression “my” wife and “my” husband does not mean that the spouses are each other’s property and, therefore, can do or say whatever they see fit. No human being “owns” the intimate parts of another. When husband and wife believe they possess each other, limits are crossed and, ultimately, the relationship itself will fall apart. “My” spouse means that I have obligations to the other, not rights or ownership over the other. It means it's my duty to care, do my best to meet your needs and try to make you happy.
The commandment of family purity – the time of the month when husband and wife cannot have physical intimacy – reaffirms the principles of limits and respect. This Torah commandment may seem inconvenient, but like the others, it was given to us for our benefit. There are several biological and health-related reasons why a couple may not be intimate during the marriage period. Nidá feminine. The menstrual cycle is a transformation for a woman and, during this time of the month, she needs space for herself. When a couple manages to respect this biological rhythm – created and dictated by our Creator – husband and wife are able to keep the flames of their relationship alive and, at the same time, preserve respect and limits between themselves, something that should never be exceeded. .
Commitment to marriage
Most people realize that to be successful in everything in life, a person needs to dedicate time and effort to what they want. You cannot be a scholar without studying, you cannot be an athlete without training, you cannot have a successful business without dedicating yourself to it. Likewise, you cannot have a happy marriage if you are not committed to it. People find time and energy for so many things – work, hobbies, enjoyable activities, but how much time do they dedicate to their marriage? How much do each of us invest in our relationship? But it's not just about how much time you spend with your spouse, but the quality of that time. When a husband and wife spend time with each other, they have to be present, not just physically but also spiritually. And if we choose our worst times to be there for our spouse – when we are tired, when we are upset, when we are worried – that relationship will not flourish.
Being committed to your marriage also means being generous to your spouse. Generosity is the greatest commandment of the Torah, applicable to everyone and, even more so, to our family. If someone has a valuable business relationship – a large client, for example – they will do whatever it takes to preserve it. You don't want to lose the customer. We are attentive to the needs of our customers; We try not to lose our patience when talking to them, trying to please them so they don't leave us for another merchant. Our most important client, our biggest investor is our spouse. He is the one who deserves our greatest attention and respect. If people treated their spouses the way they treat their big clients, marriages would rarely fail...
If acts of generosity are instrumental in building and maintaining a happy marriage, acts of cruelty are a sure way to ruin any relationship. When spouses disrespect and insult each other, especially in public, they are poisoning their marriage. Humiliating someone in public, according to Talmud, is the same as murdering him. This applies to everyone, including family members. Obviously spouses can point out each other's mistakes, but this must be done privately and in a respectful tone. And if one has to criticize the other, they should do so in a caring way, never forgetting to mention the other's good qualities. If you have to criticize someone, praise them at the same time. A criticism must be accompanied by at least four compliments.
We all deserve a happy, loving relationship, yet so many marriages are falling apart. The reason for this is not that we need to follow complicated rules for our marriage to work. It's quite simple what we have to do. We know what promotes and
that ruins a relationship. The problem is trying to make the marriage work.
Marriage is, above all, a commitment between two people. And it is the passion of this commitment that leads to a happy life forever. Mystics teach that the relationship between husband and wife symbolizes man's relationship with G-d. If marriage is based on commitment, love and respect, it will certainly lead to true joy and happiness between the spouses. And when the couple is strong, the family is strengthened. When families are strengthened, so is society and the world in general. We pray and wait for the day when love and light, joy and satisfaction become the reality of all human beings.
Rabbi Gabriel Aboutboul is an active rabbi at the Agudat Israel Synagogue and is part of the body of rabbis at the Beit Lubavitch Synagogue, in Rio de Janeiro.
