What is a friend? Someone you talk to every day? Someone you go out for coffee with and talk about how you spent your day? The term friendship does not have a universally accepted meaning. In certain cultures it is used extremely easily, in others, like Russia, friendship implies deep emotional ties that are more important than any other type of relationship.
The Torah gives the term friend great importance, according to the work "Wisdom", by Ben Sira: "A faithful friend is priceless; his value is beyond what money can buy". "A faithful friend is a safe haven; whoever finds him will have found treasure."
A friend is a hand extended at the right time. When defining the degrees of depth of relationships, the Torah says "Your friend, he who is as it were your own soul." (Deut.13:7) .
A true friend is a kindred spirit. Someone who knows the other person in the depths of their soul, whom they trust, with whom they share joys and sadness through a gesture, a smile, a word. It is difficult to find a friend and, when we find him, we must preserve him as a true treasure. Parental Ethics teaches us that we must "buy it" with friendship, affection, sincerity, concern.
Rebbe Mendel of Kotz stated that each individual should have at least one friend to whom he could tell all his secrets, even the most intimate ones. Even those that embarrass us, those emotions or ideas that are so delicate and intimate that, by exposing them, it is as if we reveal our essence.
For Rabbi Yehoshua Ben Korcha, "what your friend really thinks about you" is an unknown that is part of the seven dimensions of the unknown. Maybe your friend is secretly annoyed by those traps you fall into dozens of times, promising yourself not to fail again. If you knew exactly the truth about his attitude towards you, would your friendship still have the same value?
Deep friendship, one in which the friend feels so close to the other, as if they were a second soul, implies a certainty of understanding that is one of the truths of love. It is not necessary to hide your defects and weaknesses from this friend for fear of causing ridicule or aversion. This intimacy with a friend is possible without exposing us to any humiliation, because "all mistakes are covered by love."
The word "chaver", friend, in Hebrew, makes him a companion of his own being. A supportive companion on the journey of life, in this "intellectual adventure" that is the discovery of your "self", in which you are fully involved. In the search for the "I", the friend helps the other to rise above their own needs, their limitations, which often make them forget the reason for their existence.
Man's essential challenge is to fully live his potential. Otherwise, according to the Ari (Rabbi Isaac Luria, Kabbalist from Safed, XNUMXth century) life would be nothing more than a camouflaged death. By coming to this material world, our soul moves away - in one way or another - from its true essence and the goal of our lives is to embody the wisdom of the soul.
Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi teaches: "Even if the whole world says you are great, don't believe it; perhaps you are the greatest in the world, but you still experience the wear and tear on your own being." Unlike the love between a couple or between parents and children, friendship does not blind our perception of our friend. The true friend will therefore demand that you live your own life to its fullest. He will force you to be yourself. He will not allow you to be satisfied with less than you can be. "The man who is lucky enough to have a friend hears him crying out to live according to his potential. And, as his friendship makes him rise to his true essence, a deep bond is created between the two ".
There are also perverse friendships, as it is said: "You are friends with those who are destructive" (Proverbs). These are not aimed at the friend's growth. They only serve as an accomplice in reprehensible actions, without providing the slightest help for you to live your true inner dimension.
The essence of man is in his intellect, in his mind - in his thinking, in the neshama, the part of our soul connected with the Divine. And this highlights the fact that the authentic condition of friendship has a close relationship with our mind.
The Talmud teaches: "When you abandon a friend"... But do we really abandon a friend? No way! Not even in a dream! And the Talmud follows: "... separate, but only if the purpose is an unresolved intellectual problem." Wanting your presence, your friend will think about such disagreement and, thus, will be thinking about you. This will unite them in definitive complicity. At the height of separation, the hope of one day being able to meet the friend again to confide in each other, each sharing their important discoveries with the other, will raise the level of shared intellectual vigor. For it is written, "A man sharpens the mind of his friend" (Proverbs 27:17).
To understand the true dimension of friendship, it is important to analyze the word melech, king, in Hebrew, made up of the letters mem, lamed, and caf. These letters constitute the full definition of man: mem, from the word moach, brain, intelligence; lamed, from lev, heart, sensitivity; café - from caved, the senses. These three concepts correspond to the three levels of man's soul: the neshama, which is characterized by thought, superior understanding; ruach, where emotion and nefesh, instincts are housed. True freedom is achieved when these three levels of man's soul act in balance.
And, when the human being reaches plenitude in these three spheres, he is perfectly aware of the hierarchy of levels of being - he is a king, to whom the commandments typical of kings apply. Kings have 30 privileges, including the extraordinary happiness of having the right to break any "barrier". That is why the Talmud states that a true friend frees another from all their internal prisons, by opening the doors to a universe of pure freedom.
On the other hand, the man who lives below his fullness - perhaps because he does not have a friend who demands his maximum performance - is just a slave, to whom all slave laws apply. He lives "poorly", trapped by limits that he cannot overcome. Although he often seems to have a very commendable life, this life actually nullifies him.
Friendship is above all a relationship of the intellect. Together, the friends live the most audacious intellectual experience. It doesn't matter if one of them doesn't understand a truth; the other will explain it, regardless of which of the two understands it or fails to understand it.
The word moach, which designates intelligence (literally, the brain), contains 48 facets according to the numerical value of its letters. This number represents the 48 prerogatives of the sage, according to Pirkei Avot, the Ethics of the Fathers. When it is said that "the secrets of the Torah are revealed to him", who else would this refer to, if not the friend? If a human being lives the fullness of his being, at the level of the soul that God gave him, he is a wise man, as long as a friend shows him all the new attributes that he must acquire.
This analysis of the first dimension of man - intelligence - places friendship at its essential level, that of communication.
The second dimension of man is his sensitivity, his affection, his heart. Pirkei Avot warns us that a good heart is what man should permanently look for, as it is the container of all qualities.
A friend does not crush another because of their differences. In the most gentle and skillful way, you help the other person understand what you have to say. Sensitivity is on the same level as intelligence and establishes the link between knowledge and love.
The third dimension is that of the senses, transfigured by intelligence and sensitivity, in this fertilization of all levels that define man. As sensitivity participates in ambition, which is a desire like any other, a friend can very well intervene on the personality of another, as on the two other levels of being, through their lucid and sincere gaze.
A friendship relationship implies trust, perfect reciprocity, without counting. One may be stronger than the other, or one may count on the other, depend on the other, but there must always be reciprocity. Friends must "be able to lean on each other", count on each other. The Torah says that "Two is better than one, for if one weakens, the other will lift him up. But suffer for the one who is alone, for when he falls, he will have no one to lift him up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
The Hebrew word for hand is yad, one of the Hebrew words that define friendship is yedid, made up of two yad, that is, "hand in hand". With the intensity of friendship, the feeling of trust intensifies.
Friendship is also located beyond relations of force, like that of the inattentive master, who pours torrents of truths on a fragile soul, which can no longer bear so much new knowledge. It's a sweet and delicate relationship, in which everyone can have their own rhythm and their defects are perfectly tolerated.
Friendship can go as far as sacrificing one's life, so that the friend lives and reigns perfectly happily. It is a free, precious and definitive choice. It allows confidence, however intimate it may be, without fear of any condemnation, because the person feels loved. She knows how to give and doesn't measure what she receives in return. And it cancels out any distance.
The friendship between King David and Jonathan, described in the book of Samuel, is considered ideal - a friendship in which there were no demands, but each person gave their best, naturally. However, as this type of friendship is rare, we must be careful when choosing our friends.
